Blossoming Sex Lives of Blossoming Ex Wives

By Lisa McCormick~

There’s nothing like a rocky marriage and the devastation of divorce to get a girl off her game, sexually speaking. In the aftermath of the storm, the notion of sex could well be the very first thing, or, the very last thing on your long list of thingsto figure out now that life- has taken a radically unexpected turn. After all, any relationship that’s come undone is guaranteed to have deposited a sizeable pile of sexual baggage smack in the middle of your newfound room-of-your-own.

But how and when to sort through that baggage and get back on your feet as a sexual being, is a very individual thing. Some women feel the need to go through a significant period of life-mending before the issue of sexuality can even begin to be addressed. And other women find their sexuality to be a beacon, bringing confidence, connection, and hope to a wounded heart.

Whatever path your recovery process takes, reconnecting with your erotic essence can be as spirit-renewing as, well, an afternoon rendezvous in an elegant Paris flat with champagne, strawberries, and a lover of mythic qualifications.

Janice, 46, says, “As my marriage of eighteen years came to an end, I was in a state of complete disorientation. It literally took two years of putting one foot in front of the other, finding a job, renting an apartment, spending my savings, eating, and eating some more, before I began to sense that life would indeed go on. It wasn’t until I landed and got my bearings that I finally felt myself becoming a sexual being once again. The first man I met who was attracted to me was a total surprise! I was really in shock that someone was reacting to me in that way. When he kissed me the first time, I almost passed out. It was a roaring rushing feeling – very intense – like a pleasant heart attack. I ran away - but then I came back pretty quick. That relationship didn’t last long, but my new self-assurance was here to stay. I became aware of myself as having influence in life, as having a ‘force’. I realized that people liked me. I began making eye contact with everyone. I began encouraging joy in every aspect of my life.”

Elizabeth, 41, shares her story. “My marriage had been essentially sexless for many years. In fact, as a means of coping, I’d managed to convince myself that my own sexuality had literally withered up and died. Battling depression, I saw a therapist and she asked about my marriage. I described how intimacy, both physical and emotional, had dwindled over the years to the point where my husband and I now slept in separate bedrooms. My therapist asked, “So, you’re telling me that as a monogamous married woman, you’re prepared to NEVER enjoy being sexual again in this lifetime. Is that okay with you?”(I was 36). What a wake-up call! After one final effort to persuade my husband to work with me on our intimacy issues, I decided to wage my own damn sexual revolution. I bought erotica, purchased sex toys, and became involved in a women’s erotica writing group. By the time the marriage ultimately ended, I was well on my way to having reconnected with my sexuality. Discovering it wasn’t dead at all – in fact it was alive and kicking – was incredibly life-affirming. Finally free from a dull and sexless marriage, I felt young, vital, and sexy once agai

Andrea, 36, relates, “During the last couple of years of our marriage, my husband and I were actually very sexual. In retrospect, I think I was succumbing to having frequent sex with him as a way of trying to make him happy in an otherwise deteriorating situation. After we split, I quickly got involved with a much younger guy, getting sexual with him way too soon because I really just craved his attention and approval. But soon I realized I really needed to step back and get my bearings. My own sexual identity had gotten all wrapped up in serving the needs of others, or attempting unsuccessfully to ease painful situations. I committed to remaining solo for eight months. Now that that time has passed and I’m thinking of dating again, I’m prepared to take things much slower; to be very choosy about who I get myself involved with, and why.

Katherine, 67, states, “Honestly, I had completely given up on the idea. My husband and I’d had a difficult marriage and an ugly divorce. When I found myself single at the age of 58, I relied on my closeness with my sister and my job as a nurse to give shape, stability, and meaning to my life. Since I’d been married at 19, I’d really never experienced myself alone in the world as a single woman . Now solo and middle aged, the idea of dating was the furthest thought from my mind. Five years later, I met Jack at a bridge tournament. A widower, he was handsome and kind, and seemed inexplicably interested in making conversation with me. I was shocked when he asked me to dinner, but I went home with a spring in my step I hadn’t experienced in some forty years. As we began dating, I felt as though I’d had a complete blood transfusion! To feel attractive, appreciated, and cared for was truly a miracle. Jack showed me that my life as a sexual woman was not over – in fact, in some ways, it was just beginning. He and I are now happily married, and I feel like I have a whole new life.”

Reconnecting with your sexuality after a divorce can often feel more harrowing than hot and heavy. But even though moving on and starting over seem daunting at the time, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater

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